I really haven't talked about this for a while.

Some China adoption bloggers who I have been following have been traveling to China to adopt their children.  They post their tales of their travels.  They post pictures of their new children.  They talk about all the excitement of watching their children blossom and thrive.

And I seethe with envy.

OmegaDad and I had a conversation recently.  It frustrates us so much that if we had worked on an adoption prior to the sturm und drang of two years ago, we probably would have been approved without any trouble.

The irony is that a child would have been entering a very unhealthy household as a result.  We weren't aware of how unhealthy until things came to a head; it seems that it's mighty darned easy to ignore things, to say to yourself, "It's not so bad..." until suddenly it does turn "so bad", so obviously, that only the most purblind would ignore it.  So we would have told a social worker that everything was peachy keen, and believed it.

In matter of fact, I think we were moving towards being an unhealthy household even before we met OmegaDotter.

But, things having come to a head, we passed through it and--really!--we have a healthy household again.  And as a result, now we can either lie and be accepted or not lie and be denied.

I read about adoption disruptions...I read some stories (second and third-hand) of how some new adoptive parents behave with their children...and it makes me angry.  Jealous.  Frustrated.  They got through.  They got approved.  We won't.

We feel like our family isn't complete.  We feel a need to have a sibling of a similar ethnicity to OmegaDotter, both for us and for her.  We feel stymied.  There are other Asian countries...but I find myself making excuses against each and every one of those programs.  My heart wants China.

I look at our beloved dotter and sometimes it hurts how much I love her.  Every time I turn around, it seems that some new facet of her personality is unfolding, that she is revealing some new knowledge or ability or interest.  But, oh, she is growing, and she's not my little baby any more.  When she gets into my lap there are arms and legs sticking out all over; it's been ages since she was little enough to fit there easily, in that special way very little ones do.  I feel like we're doing a good job being parents to her, and I feel that we would do a good job with another daughter.  (I admit my prejudice here:  I want another girl.)

So I read the stories and look at the pictures, and my heart just aches.

Technorati: Adoption, envy, China adoption