A "good enough" mom muses about alpha moms, adoption, computers, the State Of The World, Internet quirkiness, and the Kosmik All
The green-eyed envy monster

I really haven't talked about this for a while.

Some China adoption bloggers who I have been following have been traveling to China to adopt their children.  They post their tales of their travels.  They post pictures of their new children.  They talk about all the excitement of watching their children blossom and thrive.

And I seethe with envy.

OmegaDad and I had a conversation recently.  It frustrates us so much that if we had worked on an adoption prior to the sturm und drang of two years ago, we probably would have been approved without any trouble.

The irony is that a child would have been entering a very unhealthy household as a result.  We weren't aware of how unhealthy until things came to a head; it seems that it's mighty darned easy to ignore things, to say to yourself, "It's not so bad..." until suddenly it does turn "so bad", so obviously, that only the most purblind would ignore it.  So we would have told a social worker that everything was peachy keen, and believed it.

In matter of fact, I think we were moving towards being an unhealthy household even before we met OmegaDotter.

But, things having come to a head, we passed through it and--really!--we have a healthy household again.  And as a result, now we can either lie and be accepted or not lie and be denied.

I read about adoption disruptions...I read some stories (second and third-hand) of how some new adoptive parents behave with their children...and it makes me angry.  Jealous.  Frustrated.  They got through.  They got approved.  We won't.

We feel like our family isn't complete.  We feel a need to have a sibling of a similar ethnicity to OmegaDotter, both for us and for her.  We feel stymied.  There are other Asian countries...but I find myself making excuses against each and every one of those programs.  My heart wants China.

I look at our beloved dotter and sometimes it hurts how much I love her.  Every time I turn around, it seems that some new facet of her personality is unfolding, that she is revealing some new knowledge or ability or interest.  But, oh, she is growing, and she's not my little baby any more.  When she gets into my lap there are arms and legs sticking out all over; it's been ages since she was little enough to fit there easily, in that special way very little ones do.  I feel like we're doing a good job being parents to her, and I feel that we would do a good job with another daughter.  (I admit my prejudice here:  I want another girl.)

So I read the stories and look at the pictures, and my heart just aches.

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posted by Kate @ 11/21/2006 08:03:00 PM  
8 Comments:
  • At 11/21/2006 08:36:00 PM, Anonymous Izzy said…

    Forgive my ignorance for not knowing your background but are you saying you cannot re-apply or get re-home studied or whatever the proper terminology is? If that's the case it hardly seems fair to deprive your daughter of a sibling of the same heritage.

     
  • At 11/22/2006 06:32:00 AM, Blogger Miss Cellania said…

    There was no way we could have adopted a second time from China because of the income requirements. But having two kids from different backgrounds is not the worst that could happen.

    The worst is if y'all didn't work it out and you end up like my family.

     
  • At 11/22/2006 07:08:00 AM, Blogger Momma Star said…

    (((Kate)))

     
  • At 11/22/2006 10:32:00 AM, Blogger MomEtc. said…

    Could you qualify to adopt from China again after a given amount of time? Would you consider adopting a child from say another country in Asia that would give you a good chance of the kids appearing to be of the same ethnic/racial background....maybe Kazahkstan?

    DH and I still think the day may come that we adopt from Ethiopia. We'll make our family work. It'll meam more work because we'll have another whole culture to learn....but we'll probably do it.

    And, I hear you on how aparents are assessed. They try their best but the judgments do end up being kind of arbitrary. DH and I have our problems....and sometimes those problems worsen. Doesn't mean our home is a bad one for Anna. Just means we are normal people. I think they should look at the fact that you guys weathered the storm and are still together.

     
  • At 11/22/2006 02:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't know your personal history, and I am just assuming that you believe that you would be disqualified under some part of China's (the PRC's) criteria, but do you know if you might qualify for adoption from Taiwan? The program is very small compared to the PRC, but it does exist, is stable and, as far as I understand it, quite reputable.

    k2

     
  • At 11/23/2006 05:31:00 AM, Blogger RenĂ©e said…

    I'm sorry Kate. I know how much you ache for another child. I hope your beautiful family has a wonderful Thanksgiving together however!

     
  • At 11/26/2006 06:15:00 AM, Blogger Alyson & Ford said…

    You have a beautiful child; and no matter your personal decisions, your family is all around you to love.

    Alyson

     
  • At 11/28/2006 11:31:00 PM, Blogger Kate said…

    Thanks, all. I'm still mulling over my responses to the commentary, and will probably do another post about it in the near future.

     
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About Me
Name: OmegaMom
Home: Southwest
About Me: Middle-aged mom of a 4-year-old adopted from China. Love science, debate, good SF and fantasy, hiking, music of almost every style. Lousy housekeeper. "Good enough" mom.
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