A "good enough" mom muses about alpha moms, adoption, computers, the State Of The World, Internet quirkiness, and the Kosmik All
Adoption and attachment

The Rumor Queen has a fantastic post up about how people who are adopting need to be realistic about the effects of institutionalization on their new baby.

As I've said before, if you're waiting to adopt, you have had time to hope and dream and fixate on the new baby.  The new baby, however, doesn't know you from Adam.  RQ's post gives some good advice/suggestions/etc.

I highly recommend that anyone who is thinking of adopting from an orphanage read her post, read the comments from people who have BTDT, and take it all to heart.

That said, I have to grump.  There were a few comments about being "disappointed" by bloggers and new parents on lists who are posting that they "wish life would get back to normal", or that they didn't realize how much work it was.

Well, even those of us who research the hell out of stuff, who "know", in an intellectual way, that our lives are going to change, just aren't prepared for the reality.  It's easy to imagine being sleep deprived.  It's easy to imagine being tired and frustrated and feeling helpless because the baby/toddler is crying and you can't do anything to stop it.  It's easy to imagine being bored out of your gourd by staying at home with a child.

It's another thing to hit the reality.  I know that people who are trying to become parents, or who are in the midst of a family pregnancy, or who are waiting for an adoption referral just hate to hear this, but...there's just no way to be prepared for how much your life changes.  Just no way.  (Okay, there's one way to almost be prepared:  being roommates with new parents.  But even then, you can escape--it's not your responsibility.)

I've written about this before.  Read RQ's post, read mine, read some more.  Be aware that no matter how much you prepare beforehand, bringing a child into your lives is one of the most stressful things you will ever do in your life.

It does get better!  Honest!  But until you find your family equilibrium, it's a big shock to the system.

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posted by Kate @ 11/14/2006 08:46:00 PM  
  • At 11/15/2006 12:17:00 AM, Blogger Scott Ocheltree said…

    That is a really good post over there. I don't go to that site often as we are no longer waiting.

    We actually feel very lucky about the way things went for us. We adopted a little boy with a limb difference who was 33 months old when we received him. We have two older (16 & 18) bio sons, so this is sort of the second time around and that helps, but it's also a whole new experience. I really have no complaints about how things are going, but there are challenges, and it's difficult to discuss them with people who don't "understand" what it means to adopt: an older child, internationally, trans-racially, etc.
    There is more to it.

  • At 11/15/2006 07:33:00 AM, Blogger Alison said…

    Wow! Someone talked about attachment and issues and control and didn't get slammed. What a great post--I am always the adoption wet blanket when I bring up anything "Negative" so I am really glad that is being well received.

  • At 11/15/2006 10:50:00 AM, Blogger Julie Pippert said…

    Hey love and gratitude means never having a gripe in the world. Right! Right?

    Excellent point and so glad you blogged about it and linked...I'll go have a looksee.

  • At 11/15/2006 12:58:00 PM, Anonymous Shelba said…

    Yes! I don't think anything can prepare you for it. God, I feel tired just thinking about those first few months home from China.

  • At 11/16/2006 08:55:00 AM, Blogger art-sweet said…

    This came as a very timely reminder for me that something is going to have to give in my life once Guatebaby arrives on the scene. Not sure what it will be.

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Name: OmegaMom
Home: Southwest
About Me: Middle-aged mom of a 4-year-old adopted from China. Love science, debate, good SF and fantasy, hiking, music of almost every style. Lousy housekeeper. "Good enough" mom.
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