Grump first.

I find it rather ironic that in comments to a post talking about being dismissive, someone gets dismissive about the specific physical resemblances to OmegaDotter's birthparents I talked about in my Somewhere in southern China... post.  One of the main points of that post was that there are things people think about (a lot) that don't get talked about in blogs or that require a knowledge of the blog and the blogger to know it gets talked about elsewhere.  In that post, in that paragraph, I stuck to physical stuff.  If you read the rest of my blog, you'll find things scattered here and there where I talk about personality traits.  But.  Tell me how to untangle the various aspects of OmegaDotter's personality?  Please.  Tell me how to pinpoint this and say, "Oh, yes, that came direct from her birthfather!" or pinpoint that and say, "I'm sure that comes from her birthmother!" or pinpoint yet another trait and say, "That is a result of being in an orphanage for the first year of her life."

We don't know.  I think I said that all over the place in that particular post.  We don't know. I can point to specific mannerisms and say it came from me or from OmegaDad or from even OmegaGranny--because I know those mannerisms like the back of my hand.  But I also know, from my own family experience, that likes, dislikes, personality traits, etc. are a weird amalgam of pieces from all over the genetic tree.  I'm like my mother in this set of personality traits; I'm like my father in that set; I'm like my Aunt F. in yet another; I'm like my grandmother in this, this, this, and that.

If I knew OmegaDotter's birthfamily, I'd be able to point to things and say, "Oh, yes, that comes from her mother, and that comes from her father, and that comes from me, and this comes from OmegaDad."

As it is, mostly I take her in her totality, as she is.  Every once in a while a mannerism that is mine takes me by surprise.  (Usually not very pleasantly--I'm obviously something of a clown and a bit bossy.)

I have even surrendered to the horsie obsession, which perhaps does spring from her birthfamily.  (I will point out that this is a statement of wry amusement about the whole horse thing, for those who find it difficult to figure out.)

I can say that she's scary smart, she's charming, she's funny, she's flirty, she's stubborn as hell, she's bossy.  She loves drawing and artwork.  I see flashes of what she will look like as an adult, and she will be beautiful.

Onto the clarification.

I found the comment trail on Karen's post to be (har) dismissive of the original commenter's post and rather obnoxious in the pack mentality it showed.  I did not and do not agree with the tone that many people took.  I think Karen's original response was bound to rouse the posse, but...but...she did say some good things in that post.  The problem was that there was defensiveness all around.  My point in my post was that, given the way the comment was presented and the timing of the comment, it was bound to bring defensiveness to the fore.

If the anonymous commenter had really wanted to bring those issues out, perhaps a different blog would have been a better venue.  Because, frankly, if anyone's read Karen's blog on a regular basis, those issues have been talked about.  But I know a bunch of blogs of potential adoptive parents who don't talk about or seem to think about those issues, and bloggers who might benefit from a little lecture like that.

And, once again, if the commenter thought it was so important, perhaps the commenter should have had the courage of her/his convictions, and put his/her name out there.  I personally despise anonymous commenters; I will always put my internet nom de plume on my comments.

Technorati: Adoption, birthparents, personality, physical traits